My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
