I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
