don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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