I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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