Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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