five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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