Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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