I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
