it wasn't lemon gatorade
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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