Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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