i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
