She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
