so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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