That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
