He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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