No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
