i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
