I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
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I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
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Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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