i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
