Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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