When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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