Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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