Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
