You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
