I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
