My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Boobs speak an international language.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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