I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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