Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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