I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
