I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
