I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Randomize
