bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
