well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
