i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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