I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
