i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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