I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
