So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
