non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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