I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I can't put those talents on a resume
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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