I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I want to be your penis for a week.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
