He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
