Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
