Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like heaven, but drunker
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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