i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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