My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Houston, we have a squirter
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
