Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
