i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
