so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
