the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
