Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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