we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
