wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
